Is there a Mother? 


This very delicate Role has been discussed, negotiated, justified, debated for decades, I speak under correction. Mother’s are not easy to come by. Some women are naturals. Some dread it. Some decide against it, some grow into it. Some totally rock it.

My own mother was a work in progress during her early years of motherhood.  I think some just are. I am grateful she is. My mom and I didn’t always get along, maybe it was my teenage rebellion, possibly I didn’t understand her synergy. Ultimately, it proved to be an important archive into which I could delve time and time again in my own journey as a mother.

 My mother could never be replaced by another woman, I’ve always said. In the event of her passing before my Da’, I would have to get used to him been with someone, who he may possibly take as he’s wife.

Having said that, I would never want either of my folks to be lonely and sacrifice companionship or love or passion because my siblings or I were selfish. Though I do hope when the dreadful day comes, they will not suffer grief forever at been physically parted.

My husband passed away 14 years ago and I have to admit, I didn’t think deeply of how my son’s would feel were I to take another partner.

It didn’t take long to happen, me dating. My family were concerned, but never intrusive.

I have had some bad experiences with guys but my family has always rallied around me to help scoop up the pieces of my broken heart.

My boys are young men now and falling inlove at their own pace. We have solid grounding, though I have yet to wake up feeling like I’m the best Mom ever.

I have a very supportive and loving family. We’ve had our ups and downs but could never want to be without each other.

Other than that we love that we’ve made homes with our own families and can’t wait to catch up when we have a chance.

Now flip the coin and let me welcome you to my world, with my partner of 5 years, his 2 children from he’s late wife and our youngest, Elijah now 3.

 I met him on a Saturday, 5th November after he awoke from a day of of partying. We experienced a feeling that was unexplainable, except to say, we didn’t want to be apart. Everything happened very quickly. I fell pregnant with our first about 3 months later.

She didn’t survive, was born and died 29th June 2012 and now resides on Jade’s Dresser in a wooden box. 

She was beautiful, she was born with anencephaly. I hadn’t even heard of this defect. I will never forget being in labour for a week and not knowing it until pain woke up my brain. The Dr. examined me in admissions and my water burst forth and she slipped with ease out of my body. Neither will I forget the look on the DR’s face that immediately alerted  me to a problem. She died awhile later, blind, beautiful, a soft skull and my mother’s lips.

I only agreed to see her at my families behest, later that day. She was snuggly wrapped up. She had black long hair, really long hair. She looked like my dad’s youngest sister Estelle. It was a very sad day for me. My family arranged a funeral and she was spared from the hospital’s waste disposal.  My partners family hated me being a part of his life. They spread vicious lies. They said the worst things possible, they felt relieved that she died so we would part ways.

 We are still together and it has been horrible. I am stubborn, I like rules and order. I don’t like constant drunkenness and endless partying. I like to be the woman in the house. The mother, caregiver, wife, handyman, nurse, teacher, confidant, etc.

He is a party animal, absent father, bully, irresponsible man, who doesn’t do as he promise’s and disappoints at the drop of a hat. He has not even tried to be a “better” man  than he was when he’s late wife had to suffer the same for most of married life. Tiny memories remain, except of the imaginary.

 He’s family are vile, immoral, disrespectful, vulgar, deceitful people who I cannot bring myself to engage with unless it’s for short periods of time. There are a few who I can get on with, but don’t really see and themselves are at odds with the indifference, cruelty and malice prevalent in their relationships with each other. Some care more for popularity and personal gain. Some prefer keeping to themselves. See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil.

 I am in the precarious situation of growing into motherhood throughout this time. I met a 16 yr old slip of a girl and a very candid 9 yr old boy, brother and sister bereaved the earlier part of 2011 when their mom succumbed to cancer.

I didn’t mind Xavier’s honesty, but it did hurt me when he laughingly told me in front of others, the horrid things that were been said about me.

 I has a sense of foreboding, when I got my first weekend with Jade, soon after we’d met. I’d heard stories of and did experience myself where a daughter didn’t want another woman around her father.

I didn’t need to worry. Both of ” my  children” from another mother, have been together with my older son’s, the most supportive, encouraging, loving, honest & inspiring offspring every mother would be proud of.

I do however wish that the very aromatic personalities and spirit that makes up my partners extended family would stop murdering my reputation and credibility as partner to a man whom I love deeply and as a “mother ” to the the two young people who have made me theirs, without question, without doubt, with courage  and complete trust in a woman who never takes time for granted. Aromatic balance is important in every pot, no matter how big or small. No matter how humble the meal, no matter how many times you hit a hurdle…..

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