Love & its Choices

​This is a letter to my sons. Joshua,my eldest, Adrian, 2nd eldest & Elijah, my youngest. 

You are the three most valuable assets I have in my life. It never seems so to those on the outside, for you boys, Josh & AD have allowed me to share my space & time with others.No matter what you want for me as your mother, you have never allowed my mistakes or shortcomings to be invested in your love for me. I have let you down many times. I have been away from you in order to experience what I wished for.

You have been a part of my life for 22 years. During that time you have seen me at my best, you have seen me at my worst.

You have witnessed my strengths & my weakness. You have endured long periods of distance & the absence of  communication. You have never made me feel guilty about it. You have always accepted me as mother, never letting my relationships outside of ours diminish your love or respect. For That I am grateful. 

My love for you will never be less than my love for another, for it is sacred. It keeps me sane when things go wrong. It elevates my confidence when I’m feeling low. It haunts me when I break & fall, that I could have your love so sweet, when others wish to taunt me. It makes me wish for purpose, far beyond material things. That it may never leave me. I wake & feel so I’ll at ease when I’m alone in this dark place I share with those who need me. I often wonder what it would have been like, had I not taught you independence, would you still be alongside me, sharing in this hollow shell, that is my home away from home. It doesn’t breathe. 

 It chokes me ,yes, I’ve had no lasting flavour, to show that I have been here. Nothings changed, nothings IMPROVED. The void & it’s patches are starting to break, the hole getting bigger & more difficult to seal.

Sometimes it’s best to know when to drop, run out & leave the pack…especially when they fail you time & time again.

It’s not me that’s the problem….. It’s this hole in the Sun, that has lost all its shine, like a spoon when it’s left in the sand the whole day…..

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